welcome to the organic green doctor blog

i am a family physician who was diagnosed with
early mild cognitive impairment(mci) amnestic type on december 21, 2010
this is a precursor to alzheimers disease
because of this diagnosis i have opted to stop practicing medicine
this blog will be about my journey with this disease
please feel free to follow me along this path
i will continue blogging on organic gardening, green living,
solar power, rainwater collection, and healthy living
i will blog on these plus other things noted to be interesting

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

my story revisited #205-would i could i will i


we have an acquaintance who had a terminal neurological disease that left them with an intact brain but with a falling body
they were falling a lot even causing harm
their food was pureed since they were choking on regular food
the discussion was to add a feeding tube
they didnt want to let things go that far
i dont want a feeding tube

they were at the point of making a decision
while they could
wait awhile and they might not be able to since others may have to make the decision of what to do

their disease would have left them trapped inside a nonfunctioning body unable to eat or care for themselves but mostly intact mentally

a position they didnt want to be in in
neither would i

our good friend from medical school had huntington's disease that left him mentally intact but unable to feed himself and left him completely bedridden
he died unable to eat and choking all the time

i always wondered if he had it to do over again if he would have chosen our acquaintance's path

i think he would have so he could have spared himself and his loved ones those last few weeks of suffering

our acquaintance chose to end their misery in their life last week
using euthanasia at a time and place of their choosing with their loved ones at their side
doing it their way
avoiding all the misery the last few weeks to months would have entailed
they sent a letter to be sent after it was over explaining why they did it
it seems 
they were peaceful in their last moments
probably sensing a peacefulness they hadnt felt in a long long time
would i
if i could

here is an article  from the ny times
the last day of her life
about a person who planned her death
early in her course of the disease
then carried forward with the plan
when the time came

read and weep and think
would i

in the movie still alice
alice planned her suicide
even had all the drugs ready to use
the problem was she couldnt follow the instructions
find the drugs she had sat aside for this event

my thoughts are
yes i would like to do this
only after i had extracted every bit of cognitive time
i can from this life
when there was no more to extract
it would be the time

would you
this was all surreal since last week i was thinking about end of life stuff for alzheimers patients and for me specifically
i ran across this old blog
i got this email with their last letter to friends and family

it was surreal

so would i
could i
will i
probably not

my neurological fatal disease is different than our acquaintance or my friend
they could choose the time since their brain would still be working ok to make decisions for themselves

for me with my disease
my brain will fell me first
my body fails me

my goal is to extract as much out of my memory stores as i can
so i can enjoy life and my family and friends

when my time comes like theirs i wont be able to make that decision
i dont want to ask others to make it for me

will i
probably not
but i would if i could

the organicgreen doctor

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